'THE HOLY SPIRIT SHOWED ME A NEW WAY TO LIVE"
....to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). And during those pregnancies and miscarriages I found His closeness in a new way; my roots went down deeper, into the truth of who He is. And so His promise stood firm: healing was coming, even through those losses. And then, finally, came motherhood. When my daughter Anna arrived, it was like she opened up a door to life and love and joy in a way that I hadn’t known before. My heart was softening. God was at work, just as He had promised. But I was still a long way from being free from depression. I still woke every day in a dark pit of despondency. Each morning I had to trudge out of it, and each day was a huge effort to not slip right back in. And many days I didn’t manage very well at all. It was two years later, now with two children and still in a place of deep depression that God spoke to me through the scriptures in a way that truly transformed my life: ‘Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young at a place near Your altar…’ (Psalm 84:3). Through this scripture, the Holy Spirit showed me a new way to live: build my home and raise my family close to Him, at his altar. I asked God about this, and He showed me two things that take place at an altar: sacrifice and praise. So I began to practice turning my dark thoughts into praise, taking delight in the sacrificial giving and serving of motherhood. For me, this was not an effort of the will (although effort and choice are involved) but a work of God that I was joining in with. In no way would I say that sufferers of depression should be able to ‘snap out of it’ by an effort of the will. But in my experience, a choice must be made to praise instead of to despair, and that each time we make that choice, a new way is carved out in our mind and spirit, and we grow stronger. Equally, when I speak about learning and choosing to praise God, I am not saying it lightly. It is not a superficial response to a real problem. I believe it is the only real and right response. When we are lost in depression we are not free to give glory to God the way that we are made to. This truth has delivered me out of that prison of despair – where the only thing I was really connected to was my own sorrow – and into the wide open spaces of understanding that my life is not about me but about Him, ‘for the display of His splendour’ (Isaiah 61:3).